7 replies to this topic

[Superman5694]

Master The Fine Art of Talking to Women?

What should you look for to know whether he/she's truthful and suitable mate for you? Date a woman on par with you. As in don't reach out of your league.

How to Start and Keep The Conversation Going?

How to lead casual conversation with a romantic spark? Aspects of flirting that distinguish it from the ordinary courtesy. What are attraction turn-offs for most people?

How to Talk to Women Without Seeming Desperate?

How to find something in common to talk about? What kind of signs do girls give you when they're interested? Follow this advice and eventually you will have to work on figuring out which girls you want to keep.

Hello first time poster!

Well first i'll give the rundown of who I am. An overweight young man that's never dated, flirted, been friends with a woman.

This is a peculiar situation, I will focus on flirting.

I just can't flirt. I really really feel awkward when saying things like "you're gorgeous" or anything of that sort. I sort of put myself in the other person's shoes, to the point where I empathize with the woman that, if a guy like me said something like that, it would come off as "creepy" and I would be labeled as a creepy man by her and any of her friends. If I met them down the road and needed their help (for whatever reason) they may remember me as a creep/pervert/whatever. Which I just can't handle that stress.

Overall I am an extremely nice guy most of the time. I smile to everyone I meet and try and make acceptable first impressions. Because you never know. Talking to women is also a no brainer for me. I can talk forever with a woman if I had the time and the topics, proper eye contact, try to say the correct things, etc. However going over the edge and actually flirting with women is, alien to me. It's something I am not used to and really out of my comfort zone. I'm not afraid of rejection, I am afraid of getting a stigma attached to me.

I've tried getting a bit of practice over the web, where I have some anonymity, saying things that still makes me uncomfortable. But I think that's just awkward for both groups anyhow.

The only advice I seem to see is "GO OUT AND DO IT". Which does not help at all. Even simple things like asking a woman out to go for coffee is awkward, if I was a woman and some man came up to me and said that I would be horrified. Not being exactly a marketable piece of meat, it's unlikely a woman will make the first move on me.

Anyhow, my fears are founded. I am unsure of how to handle this situation as most websites assume that flirting is just a natural thing to do. There aren't really any women that I would naturally flirt with, and I think I have enough self-control to make sure that doesn't happen automatically.

I have other problems, but I think this is the biggest of them right here. If I can get over that, I can break down most other barriers in my way.

[Arantine Ehlael]

'Sup, Supes.

Okay, let’s get the bad stuff out of the way first.

Having a very negative attitude towards yourself is offputting to others and an obstacle for you in general when establishing relationships. You care too much about what strangers think of you. It’s nice to be liked, and I’m not saying that it’s something that shouldn’t be pursued, but doing it at the expense of being true or beneficial to yourself ain’t good and you can’t be everyone’s cup of tea anyway. You clearly possess empathy, and you should make better use of this ability than telling yourself that people probably wouldn’t like you or what you say if you dared to be anything other than a teddy bear. If you can’t do anything about your weight then accept that’s who you are and that there are women out there who find larger guys attractive or simply care more about other aspects of the man.

Flirting is less about what you say and more about how and when you say it. You should aim for being playfully funny, relaxed and spinning stuff from the situation and other person rather than being desperate, serious, insincere or throwing out clichéd pickup lines – all of the latter will take you into creepy and awkward territory. There’s also a some preliminary non-verbal work (eye contact, smiles etc.) needed beforehand in order to establish viable targets as going into it cold more often than not results in it blowing up in your face.

I’d happily help you with flirting practice, mate, but I’m not so sure you’d be comfortable doing it with a straight guy!

[Superman5694]

Hah, thanks for the offer on the practice. There's actually a woman that I am practicing with (she's married, so there's nothing further from that).

It's true that I have a negative attitude towards myself, I never try and display that to the public. Unless I am hanging around people I know. I care about what strangers think because if one day they aren't strangers, well I am in a pickle.

Flirting is less about what you say and more about how and when you say it. You should aim for being playfully funny, relaxed and spinning stuff from the situation and other person rather than being desperate, serious, insincere or throwing out clichéd pickup lines – all of the latter will take you into creepy and awkward territory. There’s also a some preliminary non-verbal work (eye contact, smiles etc.) needed beforehand in order to establish viable targets as going into it cold more often than not results in it blowing up in your face.

I don't really know what "playfully funny" exactly is. I joke to everybody, as fat guys are required to do, and I treat women exactly as I treat men. Should I treat them differently? What's with all these womens-rights groups that pop up if that's not what they want. I get so very confused. Problem is, women are human too so there's no magic bullet.

Is there a link on the website of said preliminary work? It would be a great help in the right direction, even if I don't get a date, I can at least improve my social skills.

Also Jennifer, stop being a spam bot.

[Bud]

Dear Superman5694

Flirting is also made easier if you have a positive self image of yourself. If you like the way you look then it's very likely that another person will as well. Flirting is a two way conversation so if a female is attracted to you then she will help you to flirt with her. I have noticed that you said that you were an overweight young man. Does that play on your mind at all? or are you happy with your appearance?

You seem to be a genuinely nice fellow whom girls would regularly engage in conversation however despite this fact for any girl to want to date you there has got to be some type of physical attraction as well. Although this ranks highly in men it also plays a role when a woman chooses a partner.

Being that you are young it shouldn't be that hard for you to kick start your metabolism at a gym and start shedding the weight that you want. If you are shy or self conscious about going then get a friend along or go for walks. You will find that once you do start to loose weight and combined with your ability to converse with women that the dates will start to role in.


All the best - Bud.

[Superman5694]

Hey Bud,

Thanks for the advice. however I work out around 4 hours a day at one of my jobs. My diet is especially poor because of a combination of bad habits and the ability of helping any depression I may have (a good fatty burger works better than any drug from the doctor).

Ya, I think I have to face facts that I will be alone for a long time. If not forever. I think as I grow older I will just ignore any urges to go dating and think more logically about it.

[Bud]

Dear Superman5694

If you get the opportunity to work out around 4 hours a day then that's good news. It's just a matter of changing your diet then. Instead of eating fast food why don't you prepare your lunch the previous night and then bring it in. Make some ham, lettuce and tomatoe sandwiches and buy some muesli bars and some fruit. This way you are not only heating more healthily but save some money in the process.

You have the power to change your current disposition. You just have to want it badly enough for yourself! You just need a bit of momentum to get you going. Have you got a friend that you can excercise with? If you can do maybe half an hour extra on top of your 4 hours then this would help too.

You are too young to give up on love and dating. Life is for living and giving it your best shot no matter what! You can do anything that you set your mind too. If you want to loose the weight then you can do it. Don't just give up because it's easy to do. Force yourself to get out of your current bad habits and formulate new better ones. The prize is there for you if you make the effort. Believe in yourself.

Good luck with it - Bud.

[Superman5694]

Hey Bud,

I don't have any friends to speak of. At least none that aren't online. Like I said, I am fairly solitary.

What would you suggest I do in terms of motivation on the eating side? I give up really easily so any advice on that would be great.

[Bud]

Dear Superman5694

In order to break old eating habits you need to replace them with new eating and excercise habits. See if you can find some motivation from the internet. Read up on people who have been able to overcome their weight problems and see if you can emulate them. Get some postit notes and write some motivational messages on them and put them in places that you see them everyday. If necessary, take a picture of yourself right now and put them next to the screen of your PC or in your wallet.

As soon as you think of the word burger or any of the other junk food, you automatically start to crave it. So think of some other foods that are just as delicious but that are healthy for you. You can still have a burger but make sure that it's one that is made healthily at home.

What you say is what you think and what you think is what you will do and if you repeat it long enough it becomes a habit. Think of junk food then you will eat junk food. Think of healthy food then you will eat healthy food. You need to associate your new words/thoughts with actions in order to make them a habit. Do not feel embarrassed to join support groups in your local area. Even if you might not be as big as the people who go, it might give you enough of a motivation/or scare to change your life around. If you have some good online friends then tell them that you are looking to loose some weight and that you could use their support. You need to saturate your life with new life giving healthy information.

Good luck with it - Bud.