What Can I Do, Do I Really Have A Chance With Her?
Posted 19 December 2009 - 12:36 PM
Before I get into my questions I'd like you to get some background info before I start. I'm a single 24 years old, a bit over averege looking guy who has never ever been fortunate to be in a relationship with a girl. So, as you might've guessed: I've loads of issues when it comes to this particular area of life called dating with women. I'm certain a lot of you out there can recognize yourselves in what I have to say:
It's been a while since I started interacting with this girl in my class. As I'm a fairly open guy who like to make people laugh, I make this particular girl giggle and ocassionaly tease her by being sarcastic and somewhat cocky. I believe that she's given me a couple of indications of interest. I mean I could say practically anything and she'll either smile or giggle. But the thing is, I just cannot make a move. I'm not sure if it's too early to if I'm actually making up these beliefs.
I'm intimidated by this whole situation, this thing is directly connected to my fear of rejection which I, for the first time, experienced earlier this year by telling a girl about my emotions. My world flipped upside down over a night, I fell reach. A few days ago at the class served me with such a great opportunity in order to advance by telling her something like "I'm gonna grab something to eat, you should tag along" but you know what, I blew it big time. What's special about that specific day is that we shared our last lesson together for the term or perhaps even worse forever. She left without even saying goodbye, I don't want to seem needy by replying even in a sarcastic way about why she didn't say goodbye, would you? Something tells me "don't *beep* it up this time by being needy". Oh man, I get a headache out of this, I'm so eager to know what's really on her mind, how she thinks about me and if she's waiting for me to make the first move. Along with other issues in my life this thing which is such an important area of my life (or any guy for that matter) grows like a tumour and I really hate my self for not finding the right way of doing things before it's too late.
I really don't want this opportunity to vanish. I've composed an e-mail for a few days but I just cannot press the send button, it seems such an easy thing to do, but there's just something that holds me back.What you may ask, well the thing is that I don't consider my current social life to be interesting and fear that if she'll turn out to be my girlfriend she'll immediately dissappear from my life cause it's boring, monotone and therefore not relationship material. I really want to be more interesting and build up a solid social network but I just don't know how to do it. I've suffered enough from this, I want to make a radical change in my life once and for all, get rid of this pain called lonliness learn how to get some good friends, start some activities but most importantly to know how to communicate in 1 on 1 situations with a girl I like.
Suppose I did ask her for a cup of coffee or something, what should I say or do in order to come across as an interesting guy and a potential boyfriend. I don't want to lose this chance, this girl is great, she get's my sense of humour, she's healthy and look great. Please, I'm really in a desperate situation and depressed over this. Admittedly I've suicidal thoughts, I wonder if my life situation will ever change and if I ever could manage to have a life. Please do help, I could benefit from your thoughts around this.
Posted 19 December 2009 - 10:13 PM
The reason that you are unable to make a move with her or any other girl is because you lack self confidence. Most notably because you think that you are a boring person and so foresee the inevitable doom if you were to ask her out.
This type of thinking must STOP!! Unless you are able to like/love yourself then you won't be able to allow any girl into your life. You are assuming a lot of things about this girl before you have even had a chance to know her and this is a dangerous thing to do.
What makes you think that having a great social network will make her want to be your girlfriend? Would it not detract from being able to spend time with her? Girls do complain sometimes about boyfriends spending too much time with there mates.
One of the beauties of having a partner is the ability to go on adventures together and create fond memories with one another. So don't be surprised if you wind up being pre-occupied with getting up to mischief with her.
A common mistake that a single guy makes is to take the idea of a relationship and then over analyze and over think it. At it's core it's about 2 people getting together who love one another and who take care of each other.
Take for example the innocence of 2 elementary school/Primary school kids who play at being boyfriend and girlfriend. Now that is a relationship at it's most simplest and purest form. Neither of them care about having the most amount of money or having a great social network. They both just like spending time with one another walking around the playground holding hands.
If you find the right girl then it can be as easy as that. She will get you and you will get her. Whilst some people are fortunate enough to find the right partner first off, a great majority will have to experience several relationships before the right one comes along.
These experiences will bring heartache and disappointments there is no doubt about that but with each one that fails it helps us to grow as human beings. You learn how to grow a thicker skin and are able to recognize the traits that you want or don't want in a partner. Living is about learning and experiencing all that life has to offer, the pain and joy that comes with it.
So send that e-mail and see what comes of it. You already have traits that she likes in a guy but be careful that you do not overstep the line with your jokes. It can be easily done if your nervous. There is a time for jokes and a time to listen and be caring. I hope that she gives you the chance to get to know her. Let her be the one to either accept or decline you and do not make that decision for her.
Good luck with it - Bud.
Posted 21 December 2009 - 12:24 PM
I tried to log in yesterday, however unsusccessful, but now I'm here Bud and I really appreciate your thorough and motivational respond, cheers for that.
Yes, you're completely right, I lack self confidence and I'm pretty sick of it and therefore determined to challenge myself and expand my personal boundries.
So, did I send it or not? You better believe it Bud, I sent that very e-mail to her and it felt awesome!! What came out of it was a somewhat surrealistic feeling, blended with fear and above all a huge adrenaline kick, just by pressing a button, ridiculous huh? I didn't know that it would be so difficult to surpress the huge amount of anxiety that I had at that time, but I managed, at least for a while.
Guess what, she replied positively and liked the very idea of hanging out. However, she's buzy that day but suggested another day. The bad part is that I can't meet her that day, there's this important thing I need to do but I'll come up with something cause I don't want to mess this up.
Don't get me wrong, It's not like haven't had any happy days in my life but man I have never felt this way before. I get all these unreal and false imagess in my head, even before I've actually met her. A part of me says: "This is fantastic, could it mean she's interested in me? Very interesting..." while the other part of me says "haha, forget about it, you don't have any chance with her, I mean what will you talk about and do in order to get her interested, sure she'll be open, receptive and perhaps even excited in the beginning cause you tend to give a nice impression but then what? She'll eventually get bored and moves on to the next one". However Bud, I'll try to keep in mind that if she's really interested in me, these sort of stuff like social network, activities and so forth really comes in second place. In addition, I'll keep my calm and try not to think to much, even if it's easier said than done.
Once again thank you, it really means a lot. Please share about your own experiences and how you behave and act during conversations with women you like to have a relationship with.
Posted 22 December 2009 - 09:16 AM
That is awesome news!! I'm very happy to hear that you send her the e-mail and that you got such a fantastic response from her. I think that you were always going to do it because it really sounded like you wanted to.
What you have written must have really impressed her so well done on this accomplishment. I'm guessing that from now until you meet her your mind is going to be pre-occupied with thoughts on her and on you.
My suggestion is to ride out this Euphoria that you are experiencing. Dare yourself to enjoy the moment of feeling on top of the world.
Now more than ever will you need to mindful of your own thoughts. Unless you are careful you are going to be expending a lot of energy on thinking about things.
The danger of this is that it can become too much if you think too much. The problem that exists from that is that you can wind up feeling down and depressed on yourself. If your mind has a tendency to think negatively of itself already then it will do so twice as much now that a girl is involved.
You have got to make it harder to think of yourself in a negative light. Right at this moment it comes out at the drop of a hat. You think of one negative aspect and the rest follows like a dam that has been busted open. As soon as you think of a negative word, train your brain to counter argue it with a positive word.
I know that it sounds cliched but you got learn to literally relax in this situation. To be in a state whereby you can be yourself and enjoy the moment of getting to know her. I'm guessing that this is the reason that she said yes to hanging out with you. She doesn't know whether she wants to have a relationship with you or not but she is willing to spend time with you to see if anything can happen.
I know that you want more than friendship but do not rule out becoming friends with her first. It could be the case that she wants to be friends so that she can take things slowly?!
There are certainly more qualified people on this forum who can suggest to you how to "play the game", however I find that being yourself works best. It's too much effort trying to be someone that your not. It doesn't work out in the long term.
From the sounds of things you already have her in stitches with your jokes so definitely keep that up. Be mindful not to be too sarcastic and do not make any personal jokes about her. Don't speak negatively about yourself if she happens to touch upon a sensitive topic e.g. your social network. Just be positive about things and make sure that you treat her with lot's of respect and you should be fine. I hope that you will have an awesome first date.
Good luck with it - Bud.
Posted 23 January 2010 - 06:13 PM
How are you? Just as last time, I'm mighty appreciative for your reply. It has been a while since I paid a visit to this site and it feels like a great moment to update you with what's happened so far.
First of all, yes It did feel great and we kept on sending a couple of e-mails to oneanother in order to find a moment to meet. However, that very moment never came. The thing is that she, in her last mail, suggested that she'll keep in touch after the holidays for a better time. I replied later that it sounds fine and basically that's it, nothing happened afterwards. I like her a lot and I don't want to mess things up by being needy, that's because of my previous response to her were I suggested another time that wasn't good for her.
Eventough, I've put a lot of effort in order to enrich my daily life with some activities but more importantly becoming more social and outgoing, the fact is that as soon as soon as I get alone I almost instantly become depressed and unhappy about my life, there's a void which cannot be ignored and surpressed. Almost everywhere I look, I see happy couples and get reminded about my failure with women and wish that I could feel what these guys were feeling, that I could experience what they have and why I still have to suffer while the reality is that most guys at my age, at least once in their entire life, have had a close relationship with a girl. And the age thing isn't really the issue, the problem is that I haven't got anywhere with this and it sure drives me crazy.
I'm in a bad emotional state which is affecting everything in my life from studies to relationship with my surroundings. I'm slowly begining to lose hope and trust me, I have had patience, I've waited too long for this, when I see these jerks and guys 1/3 my age already manage this important and central area of life handled then this questionmark comes up in my head that says why you and not me?
Lastly, when I do have the guts to share my situation to people I sense that I can trust, they get surprised and don't really know what to say other than "you'll find someone" or "it will be better with time" which of course doesn't help a bit. So, It would be kind if you if could spare a moment and share your thoughts on this matter.
Posted 23 January 2010 - 08:45 PM
Say 10 good things about your self for every negative thing you say or think) it sounds hard but it takes 10 good things to make up for 1 bad thing said.
Always remember the things you are great at, those are very important. Work on the things you are bad at and when you overcome them you will feel amazing.
Posted 24 January 2010 - 09:22 AM
I sympathise with your situation and know that you are in a bad spot at the moment but what you need to understand is that nobody can get you out of your predicament but yourself.
Somewhere somehow you have got to find that inner fire inside of you which says "to *beep* with this, I'm not going to let this keep me down, I'm going to fight it with everything that I have got until I win.
You haven't really got much of a choice really. You can either choose to wallow in your self pity and depression or pick yourself up, get creative/clever and move forward.
From the sounds of things you have given up to easily with this girl. Are you just going to let things drift away after a couple of e-mails? I think that you owe it to yourself to put in another mighty effort.
In your situation you probably do not come off as needy to a girl but rather as someone who lacks enthusiasm. You sound like a guy who is very self aware not to overstep the boundaries with a girl so before you reign yourself in, just let yourself go first. If you find yourself e-mailing/texting her more than she is you then you can take it down a notch, but until you get some regular communication happening then just go for it.
In the meantime whilst you are trying to reconnect with her keep your eyes open. You said that you were studying so are there any cute girls in your class or at the library where you study? Can you grab some friends and go take some dancing or aerobics classes?
When you are by yourself you have got to stop thinking about what other people have. You need to stop comparing your life to there's and just think about your own life. You have to purge yourself of all the negative thoughts that creep into your mind. If you find yourself giving in to them then put on some sneakers and go for a run around the block. If this is not possible then whenever your have a negative thought drop down immediately and do some pushups.
If you don't want to do any of the above and you find yourself slipping further into your depression then please see someone about this. I think that you can pick yourself up from this and move forward. Whatever you do just don't give up.
All the best - Bud
Posted 16 June 2011 - 03:25 PM
Posted 21 February 2012 - 07:48 PM
You (Nervously): So... I.... uh... would like to uh.... take you out to uh.... lunch, would you like to go with me?
Her: Sure I like el expensivo restaurant lets go and you pay the bill.
You (calmly as if it doesn't matter what she says): There is this place down the street called el cheapo restaurant that I like to have lunch at, you seem like fun why don't you go with me.
Her: Sure let's go.
Make the assumption she is going to go along, and don't frame it like she is up on some pedestal.
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