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Difficulty In "complimenting" A Woman

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#1 Guest_kevmitchell1@aol.com_*

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Posted 14 October 2009 - 11:21 PM

Master The Fine Art of Talking to Women?

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I met a really attractive and intelligent woman at a party a few weeks ago. It was a public event at an art gallery. She was a high school teacher in her early thirties. We had been talking for a good half hour and really seemed to be hitting it off. We even exchanged email addresses and made tentative plans to meet for coffee sometime. Then, things suddenly went downhill. I commented that she had a "nice, full, hourglass figure". I thought she would take it as a compliment but instead she became deeply offended. She snapped, "Oh really....well perhaps I should do some plus size modeling!" I went into damage control mode and tried to clarify my comments but I think I only exacerbated things when I used the term "healthy". With a look of complete disgust, she slapped my face and departed.

I will never forget those agonizing seconds in the immediate aftermath, as I was standing there alone rubbing my cheek, drawing some judgmental stares from onlookers. Needless to say, it was not my proudest moment, LOL.

She had the classic figure of a 50's pinup - large bust, narrow waist, shapely hips/legs. I guess she had interpreted "hourglass" as meaning big/overweight/full figured. I just thought it meant shapely and well proportioned.

When I told a female friend about this she shook her head and said it was never a good idea to comment on a woman's figure, even if I thought it was complimentary. What do you think about this?

#2 Guest_Bud_*

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Posted 15 October 2009 - 08:30 AM

Dear kevmitchell1@aol.com

From the sounds of things you probably did go a bit far with the hourglass comment but it hardly warranted a slap to the face. You would think that it was obvious that you did not intend to hurt her feelings and that it was rather a clumsy attempt at a compliment.

Had you been fortunate enough to meet someone who could laugh at themselves then you probably could have gotten away with it but this girl took it to heart and so you struck out. In hindsight you are probably better off not going on a date with her as you probably need someone who was a bit more in tune with your sense of humor/personality. Better luck next time.

All the best - Bud.

#3 Guest_EKOPALM_*

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Posted 16 October 2009 - 01:53 PM

You are very rude. What if someone said "you have a good skinny figure!" or "You look healthy". Doesn't matter how you say it you are just asking for trouble. lol

#4 Guest_Romulus_*

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Posted 29 October 2009 - 10:26 PM

Here is the issue...although you may have intended your comment as a compliment, she did not take it as one. I'm not sure how you came off because I wasn't there, but I'm guessing you weren't carrying a strong enough frame for her to buy into. Women naturally desire to follow a man's lead, unless of course he doesn't give the vibe that he is a leader (a huge issue appyling to many men). Being as intuitive as they are, women can feel this. What you said was not as important as how you said it, and how naturally it came across. This could mean the difference between getting a laugh and getting a slap. She ultimately could have just been irritated because you came off as approval seeking, and strong, independent men don't seek a woman's approval, especially during first contact. This woman may also have a self esteem problem and this could just be a very hot button issue with her. It's well known that women are sensitive about the appearance of their bodies, but I know that you can compliment a woman's appearance without coming across in an incongruent, weak fashion. In all honesty man, it would have been much better if you stood stronger behind what you said instead of playing "damage control." A lot of times women test men by pretending to get angry to see if he has the **** to stand on what he just said. Now, that being said I wouldn't have complimented her that way, but if a woman gets mad at me for something I said (assuming I'm not being a beligerent @$$), I certainly won't back down or give the classic "oh haha I'm just kidding." You may as well give yourself the Tonya Harding Special and gift wrap it to put in her purse. Not every woman will like everything you say, and you'll never have your A game 100% of the time, so the best thing for you to do is to shake it off (maybe even walk it off if she packs a mean slap shot), work on generating your identity, and most importantly...don't make any apologies for who you are!!!

#5 Guest_kevmitchell1@aol.com_*

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Posted 01 November 2009 - 11:33 PM

I thought Romulus made a very interesting point below:

"What you said was not as important as how you said it, and how naturally it came across. This could mean the difference between getting a laugh and getting a slap. She ultimately could have just been irritated because you came off as approval seeking, and strong, independent men don't seek a woman's approval, especially during first contact."

I just assumed that she slapped me because I offended her, but perhaps it was because I did not come off as strong, confident, and self-assured. Would this make sense?

#6 Guest_ShyGuy_*

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Posted 11 November 2009 - 03:25 PM

FWIW... I think that you probably should have stayed away from any compliments on her body itself and focused your compliments on her dress (perhaps that was what was accentuating her nice figure), or her hair, or her shoes, or something that she had some control over that night.

I may not have had a lot of experience in dating, but I know that if you give compliments to a woman about her appearance it MUST have to do with things she has some control over.

I would have said that her dress looked amazing, cute, or even a streatch would have been to say it was "flattering".... but that may have even gone too far, because what exactly was it flattering to you? Butt, *beep*, waist? Perhaps she has some secret mental issue with a part of her body that she doesn't like that you noticed. Even though you thought it looked great, she may have not wanted her outfit to accentuate it to that degree. (Just a thought.)

Since it was a first time meeting her, you should have saved your comment about her figure..... until later when she was more comfortable with you.

I hope that she wasn't so offended that she won't speak to you again!

#7 Guest_kevmitchell1@aol.com_*

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Posted 11 November 2009 - 08:08 PM

I have a great update! I emailed her and she accepted my apology. We met at the coffee shop and talked for a good two hours. She's from a Fillipino background and is very family oriented. She has a master's degree in education and is very passionate about teaching. We ended up having quite a bit in common from recreational pursuits to general beliefs and values. She is very traditional/old school, classy, and passionate.

She actually brought up the incident at the art gallery and explained that in addition to being weight conscious, she has too often had to deal with men who look at her in a sexual/physical way. So my comments struck a nerve on two fronts. She said she was actually more disappointed with me than angry, since I seemed like a gentleman at first. She was impressed that I contacted her to express my apologies and remarked that it was quite “chivalrous” and not typical of most men, who would have been bitter about being slapped by a woman in public and too proud to apologize.

As we were leaving, she gave me a big hug and a peck on the cheek. What an improvement over last time, lol. We'll definitely be getting together again :-)

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