Singles Dating Forum: Online Dating Relationships Advice: I Need Your Advice Asap - Singles Dating Forum: Online Dating Relationships Advice

So here it goes...
I've been dating my boyfriend for about 7 months now, and have been living with him throughout the entire time. Prior to me, he had dated a girl for about 2 years. They were also living together. He said that they were in a miserable relationship but he stayed with her out of convenience and also because they had to wait until their lease ended. They had also been living with another couple. One day, she decided to tell him that she was 4 months pregnant. He did everything he could to get her to decide on abortion (which was too risky at that point) and the adoption, but she would not do it. He did not love this girl and did not want to bring a child into the world when they were not meant to be together. When she refused, he moved out. She was 7 months pregnant at that time. Him and I started dating shortly after the baby was born. Although he had not wanted this child, he decided to do the responsible thing and be a part of the child's life and also pay child support. He was spending time with the baby up to 3 times a week as well as working his butt off to pay the ex-girlfriend. Meanwhile, she was creating an incredible amount of drama in our relationship. She was bitter that he left and determined to break us up. She would tell him that I cheated on him and tell me that he was cheating on me. She also claimed that he was privately calling her telling her that he still loved her and wanted to be with her. I would also come home from work some days and she would be at the apartment, without the baby. She punched me in the face, tried to jump off his balcony, was calling him at all hours of the night, among other things. He claimed that nothing was going on and these were all lies, but he never yelled at her or even confronted her, which made me skeptical. I understood that she would be a part of his life because of the child, but it was becoming ridiculous. But despite all the drama, I took his word for it, and stood by him through it all. It gets better.....so for the past couple of months I have been begging him to get a DNA test (I never thought the child looked like him) so finally I saw a commercial for Rite Aid's at home DNA test and I made him do it. He had no problem because he was 100% positive the child was his. Well one day when he was at work, I received the results online, and it said....duh duh duh... he was NOT the father!! So I told him immediately. He was in denial right away, thinking that maybe the babies got mixed at the hospital. Well, they had court a few days later to determine the amount of child support he should be paying...and he showed her the results. To which she replied, yes there was someone else. His roommate from when they were living together. My boyfriend had gone away for a week during Christmas to visit his family and she had unprotected sex with his roommate 3 times! So now everything has changed. Seeing the results of the DNA test were the greatest day of my life. I plan on spending the rest of my life with this man, and every girl dreams of having their first child together. So as you can imagine, I was ecstatic. However, he has been the complete opposite. He has been depressed, saying that he would have done anything in the world for the test to say that he WAS the father. Saying he actually felt bad for the girl. Saying that he still wants to be involved in the child's life. I even saw an online conversation with the girl in which he was being nice to her and even joking around!! As you can imagine this has been heartbreaking for me to hear him say these things, and extremely confused as to what I should do. I know that hes going through a hard time..spending 8 months with a child you thought was yours. I know it must be mentally screwing him up...but at the same time, I am hurting too and cannot express these feelings to him because he says that I'm being selfish. Does he still love her? I thought that with this news we could finally put her behind us, no more lies no more fighting, and move on with our lives. I don't want to stay in a relationship if he's going to continue to stay in contact with her. She has caused enough drama in our lives already. I need an un-biased opinion on what I should do. Pleaseeeee.

Dear confused18

From the sounds of things your boyfriend is more smitten with the child rather than the mother. As much as he would like to be actively involved in the child's life there is still her natural father to consider.

Whilst the ex might think that that the child presents an opportunity to get him to come back to her, he is not the child's natural father. This person is probably very much alive somewhere and clueless to the child's existence.

Whether he is the type of person who wants to be involved in the child's life or not, remains to be seen however the proper course of action would be to let him know that she existed. It is his right to know after all.

Even if he does not want anything to do with child it is the natural fathers responsibility to pay child support. He brought her into this life and it is his duty to assist her in any way possible.

There is no doubt that you will have to have a heart to heart discussion about your existing relationship with your boyfriend. If it continues to go the way that it is going now then it's more than likely that you will go your separate ways.

At the present point in time your boyfriend is feeling depressed because he has created a bond with the little girl. When you revealed the truth to him that it wasn't his baby he became resentful because it felt like you were trying to take the child away from him as opposed to getting him away from the mother.

What you really need to do when you talk to him next is to present your case in such a way which does not make it sound like it's you vs the child. The topic should be about what's best for the child. Make a case to him that the real father should be informed of her existence. That he be allowed to love her as much as your boyfriend does. Even though he might be opposed to the idea initially there is no denying the sense and logic behind it.

Once the real father is in the picture your boyfriend will hopefully come to the realization that it is in fact another persons baby and not his. When this happens it will hopefully compel him to focus on your existing relationship. If it doesn't then it will be high time to rethink your relationship together.

All the best - Bud.