Singles Dating Forum: Online Dating Relationships Advice: Subtle Communication - Maybe Too Subtle... - Singles Dating Forum: Online Dating Relationships Advice

Hi,

I'd appreciate some perspective on this situation I have.

A few months ago, a new guy came to work - my first impression of him was that he was totally obnoxious. Later, because of some office reorganization, I needed a place to sit down and work, and he offered that I work at his table next to him. The next few hours were pretty fun. He and I had some fun conversation, with the other guys in the room, and I found that I rather liked the guy.

This kind of positive atmosphere continued a little further - like he gave me a lift home one time, and was asking me thoughtful questions about myself, and so forth. He seemed to pay special attention to what I order at lunch, and in general has been very thoughtful towards me.

My problem is that while I can put on the 'friendly bubbly' face, I'm naturally shy and so, for example, at the end of the drive, I quickly said thanks for the ride, and I'd see him later.
Things progress slowly and subtly. For a while, it seemed like we were taking turns at giving off very subtle positive signals, and then backing of when they're not reciprocated. I can say that on my end, they weren't reciprocated only because of bad timing.

But this continued for a while - for example, I would walk by his room to get some coffee, and a few minutes later he'd happen to join me saying how hungry he was and looking for s'thing to eat, and we started talking which led to him probing what I like to eat for breakfast. But then I would go and join him and the boys for lunch, and he and I wouldn't say a word to each other the whole time.

Then - there was a little incident where i decided to be a little more bold.
I was looking for where I put my cellphone, and was checking my bag that was in the same room as him. He offered to call my phone, which resulted in finding it in my bag. I said thanks and headed out.

I then saved his no., and then about a day later, when an opportunity presented itself, sent him a somewhat flirty text msg - this, however, was never reciprocated or even mentioned. In fact, it seemed as if he took a step or two back. In retrospect, I thought perhaps because of the context, the text msg could have been taken badly. It's also possible that the phone was new from the company, and wasn't even in his possession? I'm still confused about that one.

Now - it seems like there is something of a baby elephant between us. Sometimes we'll have a friendly connect, but just as often it will be 'off'. I'll catch him looking at me very intensely during a meeting, and will meet his eyes - but there is no sign of a smile... so I can't tell if he's judging me critically, or listening carefully. Or other times when I'll get the feeling that something's 'off'.

I know that I'd really like to get to know him better - but not sure how to make it happen, or if he's even still interested. I wouldn't mind waiting for the right time to present itself, but
a) i don't even know for sure if he's free
maybe i've already blown it and he's decided he doesn't like me
c) the present office organization makes talking opportunities very difficult and rare

My last problem has to do with my own self. I've just come through a difficult year, and have put on some weight - generally don't look my best. And, of course, it's harder to be self-confident and take initiative in such a sitch.

Should I continue to make friendly gestures - like making sure to peek in and say 'hi' in the morning? or would it better to cool things for a while, finish getting my head back together and then wait for the right opportunity? if he's sensitive about rejection, and has been as careful as I have been, how can i clear the air and keep the channels open??

Any ideas?

First of all, I'd like to say not to worry about your self image. Love yourself.

Next, as a guy, my opinion would be that he's sometimes shy, and at others open. From what you've said you both seem to have this "subtle" attraction for each other, but maybe don't fully realize it. My advice would be to do as you said and just try and initiate more small conversations with him, no matter how short. Maybe he's too shy to make the move and needs some reassurance. Try that and see what happens.

Thanks for the encouragement Puntr! :)
I especially appreciate a guy's perspective.

The thing is that he doesn't strike me as shy - he's been rather straightforward and openly attentive (openly to me) and then holding back with a kind of guarded look that makes me think - be careful.

I'll give an example that characterizes the current ambivalence pretty well.
Last Thursday we were all getting ready for a big meeting with our board members (startup dontcha know). I was pre-occupied with my presentation, and came out of my room, suddenly stopping as I remembered I had forgotten something - and in the middle of my inner discussion with myself, I hear him asking how things are going. I look up, and he's standing right opposite me at the door of his room, with a big warm smile.

He caught me off guard a bit, but I smiled back, shared that I was a little nervous - and we got back to work.

During the meeting, it worked out that there was a free seat next to him, and only myself and one of the board members were left standing. I let her take the seat next to him (it was also a better chair). At one point I asked him for his pen to write with (behind her back), and then caught him watching me rather closely as I wrote; also another time, looked up to see him looking at me - again complete poker face, no hint of a smile or softness.

As things turned out, his presentation was cut very short as he's on the technical team and was the last to talk (mine went great and left me in a good mood). Afterwards, he left the room immediately - it seemed like he was pissed at the whole situation. I kinda followed him, soon joined by a few others - we talked about how it went, but he didn't join in the conversation.

A short while after that, he left. I was on the phone, walking opposite to him, so I smilingly saluted him goodbye - but he just looked... pissed.

I wanted to approach him about the whole thing, but he didn't really give an opening (which isn't a good excuse). And I was left wondering if I could have been more direct, sat next to him, approached him, any number of things.

That's what I mean about thinking that I might be blowing it. Had I been less nervous, I could have struck up a conversation with him - but instead, once again, went home for the weekend with only questions and 'what ifs'... :)

Wow, to be honest with you that last post blew my shy theory out of the water

From what I read, it seems he's sometimes open and friendly, the suddenly goes to serious and maybe a tad bit shy as how he didn't join in the conversation. Actually, now that I really look at it, it seems that maybe he's shy in public? I know that this will probably sound like a cheap way to get out of this but the only thing I can honestly suggest is the simply go for it. From a guy's perspective, I'm pretty sure he's got a thing for you, but as I said before, he may think the complete opposite of you. If you want, you can continue to try and "crack" him, for lack of better words, or simply ask him out and see where that leads. I'm sorry that I'm not of A+ help, but that's the way my mind sees things and how I would proceed with the situation.

Wish the best!

Thanks Puntr,

You're a total sweety! Hope things go well with your office crush :)

Generally, I think you're spot on - I need to 'go for it' so to speak, and hopefully the positive signs outweigh the negative ones. But I'm a little hesitant because of the office situation - these are long-term positions in a company I hope to grow with, so mis-reading the signs or creating an awkward atmosphere would be a real bummer.

My gut is telling me that he's more rejection-shy than actually shy - and writing these posts have been helpful - I think I see that he also has perhaps more of a temper than was immediately apparent. Something I don't mind in general - I can be temperamental too ;)

At present, I think I'm going to sit tight a bit as I hope we'll have an office launching party in the not-too-far future which might be a better opportunity to see if we jive.

And if anyone else has experience with "In-office Interest Signs", or what I could do to get a clearer signal - I'd love to hear!

I think hes experiencing two emotions. One is nervousness because you're around and the other is anger. He has a presentation and wants to impress you. And hes angry because like him you're not making it very clear that you're interested. He may not exactly know what you want from him, because you treat him like an ordinary person. I think that if you feel confident enough (which you should) you should just tell him you're interested. Even if you don't say it directly you could hint it, such as suggesting that hes the sort of person you'd wanna be with. You could compliment one of his personality traits and say I love that about a man or something along those lines. Gosh its hard when guys act like a wuss. Hope this helps. Hope to hear feedback

Be subtle.... yes... but be fun too! Guys and girls alike enjoy flirting so there is no reason not to have some fun with it. Make sure you know what you are doing though. You don't want to run into one of those awkward situations where neither of you is really sure whats going on.

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