Singles Dating Forum: Online Dating Relationships Advice: Relationship That Is Extremely Loving But Also Complicated - Singles Dating Forum: Online Dating Relationships Advice

I am in a relationship that is EXTREMELY loving but also rather complicated. I started dating this girl a year after graduating high school. She was (and is) amazing, and I love every inch of her. We were young, so our sex lives were rather awkward, and I found out she most likely had a disease known as Vulvar Vestibulitis that made sexual intercourse painful.

To make matters worse, we've never been physically together for very long. We lived together for a year, and then she decided to go back to school. She applied to all the schools she could, and got into a prestigious school very far away (Caribbean).

To make matters worse, I was not always the best of boyfriends do to psychological issues I currently am working on (depression). As such, she has often felt controlled due to my extreme emotional reactions to her actions, and due to the combination of my disease being chemical and situational (came off an abusive relationship before her, in which I constantly felt trapped and was highly unsatisfied), it took awhile for me to seek treatment. We had broken up before, but it didn't last long before she really sincerely wanted to be back with me, but she made me promise to seek help and I did a lot of research on my own, and managed to find the help I needed to feel stable.

The trick is, the damage is difficult to repair... she is very open about her sexuality... to other people. She is afraid to bring it to herself both for reasons of painful memories and reasons of my previous behavior, which left her struggling to remain attracted to me. I picked my life up, am currently going back to school myself, and love this woman so sincerely that I even admitted to her that, we could break up, but I would never be as happy as I am when I'm with her (which is the honest truth)-- though if she felt it was necessary, I'd certainly try to move on.

Well she chose... to be with me! Actually, she decided to visit me by surprise after breaking up with me. She said she just felt too strongly about me and couldn't leave without seeing me and deciding how she feels. Ever since our break up, she's been incredibly loving, and I've been very careful to be supportive of her even where it means biting my tongue on how much I miss her-- for instance, she has a male friend who she is very close with, and who has a crush on her... very hard for me, personally, but I love and trust her and she could be going on about how much fun she had with him (sometimes painful for me to hear) and I just am sincerely happy that she's happy.

As I've told her more than once, she has a smile that could light the dark. As I've also told her, though, if I cannot make her smile I do not want her to stay with me, nor will I stay with someone if I cannot make them happy (was harsh, but had to be said).

Anyway, long story short, we're back together and very happy. But she still is scared to talk about sexuality with me, and I feel sometimes that our long distance relationship is pulling us apart (when I asked for some time together online she said it was hard because she felt like she had to spend time with real people rather than the computer... which sucks but I do see her point at the same time).

She will be visiting me for Christmas, as I will be going to school and will be alone for the holiday otherwise. Once again, she is very loving and I trust her with my life. However, I feel like I owe it to her to rebuild the damage I have done. That is one of the reasons I'm going back to school (don't worry, the main reason is for myself)-- to build a life, to be more impressive, to be an emblem of stability for her not only physically and emotionally but financially as well (well that's the plan anyway )

I've been tempted on giving up many times... commitment issues abound for her, as she came from a home that broke apart when she was very young... plus her sexual dysfunction... plus the long distance... needless to say, we don't "do it" very often, and she rarely brings up the topic of sex with me-- although I know she brings it up with others, because she has quite a lot of intimate knowledge about them and as I am not only her boyfriend but her best friend, she shares the "juicy" stories with me.

And I have thought about the possibility that the juicy stories could be a window into the solution to make her feel comfortable. I ask her how she feels about those stories, if she ever wishes it was her and I that were in the stories... she avoids the conversation.

I promised her once, when she looked me in the eyes and told me that if she tried to run to never give up on us... I promised her I would never give up. My word does not come lightly, nor do my feelings for her. But I feel like I am only holding her back from being happy, that if I have destroyed what happiness we could have together, what right do I have to keep my word and hold unto her?

She chose to be with me. She loves the idea of me being with her. She is proud of me, and talks about me to her friends. And talks about her friends to me. But everything is going against us... and she is an INCREDIBLY independent girl, to the point where the idea of only needing herself is a fetish of hers, so she isn't very talkative when, for instance, her work load at school gets harder or her friends start wanting to spend more time with her (friendship is very important to her and I never want to stand in the way of that).

I just... feel like considering my past, to make any requests of her (like for instance, spending more time with me) is not only out of the question, but will probably be ignored by her anyway... and it isn't like she isn't expressing any will toward this relationship, she puts her own work into it-- she is scheduled to start seeing a sexual therapist about her vulvar vestibulitis to see if there are any psychological treatments she can undergo, which can be a factor in the disease. She also calls me by a pet name every time she catches me online, and is very excited... when its on her time. In her defense, she has little time in general, and her argument toward spending time with "real" people rather than the computer is valid...

I just really want this to work out. I have thought (more than once) of giving up everything, moving to where she lives, and proposing. Only problem would be that there is absolutely no work for me there in my fields, and I'd be making a big sacrifice since she tells me the ambitions I have-- and the fact that I'm going back to school to seek them-- is a huge part of her attraction to me.

Writing this, I realize what the easy answer is: to just move on. But that's not an option for me-- I'd die before I broke a promise to someone I care this deeply about.

Anyway, just wondering if anyone had any general advice to make this work... like, ways in which I can show my affection without seeming needy from afar, or perhaps ways in which I can make her feel comfortable about sexuality with me, considering I have come a long way in getting rid of my own demons and feel like I could honestly be the loving and warm lover she wanted me to be in the first place...

I speak of her commitment-phobia, but for all that, she is extremely committed to me. She might be cold for a short while, but she always seeks me in the end, and she has made a lot of sacrifices to see me while I worked on my issues. I want to show this woman that I truly am thankful for her sticking by my side, but I also want to show her that I'm not the man I used to be... maybe I just have to be patient, and if that is the case, then I would wait a lifetime for her, not out of any co-dependence (when we broke up, I found out I wasn't as bad with women as I had thought, and the options were fairly wide-open... and I've never been the type to be hyper-romantic on the idea of being in a failed relationship) but out of sincere love. She was, for me, the girl that got away... but that came back.

Any thoughts on how to make something of the complicated mess I've gotten myself into ?

As i'm learning now, relationships are a two way street;

You should pretty much get as much lovin' as you give.

Now this girl you speak of sounds like a free spirit, and i think you are doing the best you can by understanding her and by letting her do her own thing (especially since you have to deal with the whole long distance thing). Because every couple has to define their own space between one another, otherwise one will always feel too smothered.

However there shouldn't be too many excuses on her part when she comes back for a visit. I think that she should be more understanding of your needs as well, when she IS around. For example if when she comes back and wants to see her friends alot more than she wants to see you, then i think THAT is when you consider moving on.

Communication is key and if you feel that you aren't really getting the loving that you need, then you really need to sit down with her and discuss why that is. It seems that she's willing to take a move in the right direction for you (by seeing that therapist) so wait that out and see what happens.

Remember that she chose YOU. It doesn't mean you should abuse that, but you have a right to make a few demands.