What Options Do I Have Now? Options

[Guest_Romantic Fool_*]

Ok I guess I need to do this in a nutshell or it'll end up being a novel.

I just got dumped last Sunday. Have known the girl for 13yrs. We started out as friends then dated then got engaged. A month before the wedding I called it off "had cold feet" she was upset which led to further fighting relationship ended(Dec.1999). About 9 months ago we started talking again we've both led seperate lives I've moved away from the area she lives in. We decide to hangout one weekend she had been dating someone and it wasn't working out and needed someone to talk too. So she came to where I live we went out for dinner,drinks and hit the clubs was a great weekend. After she left one thing led to another and we where back in a relationship doing the travel between each others home town(about 200 miles) I'll mention I also work out of town alot as I own my own trucking business which I've had since 99 so its not new to her. Things where going great spent alot of quality time together.

Well about 2 months ago she brought up the point of marriage and children. I'm not opposed to either. Oh I'm 37 and she's 33. I said well if I was in a committed relationship and married I'd like to have children, but want to make sure that the relationship is solid before. Well her biological clock has been ticking and she wants kids, so we've discussed it again a couple more times since then and usually same outcome. Well we had plans for Labor Day weekend to go away with some friends and family camping and I ended up taking a load out west and couldn't get home for the weekend. She said she understood its my job and no biggy. Well I come home after the weekend and the following Wendsday she's having a minor medical procedure. I planned to go up for it and be there to support her. She says don't waste the time its not a big thing and I'll be busy anyway.

I come up regardless and she's really cranky wants nothing to do with me and asks why I came when she told me not too. Well I came because her sister said you better be here whether she wants you too or not to support her. Well her distant actions went on all evening and she has been on hormones as well she says she's going to bed and if I want to stay I can. I decide to leave as she was getting up in the morning to go to work and then go to the procedure and come home to rest.(BAD IDEA) now I realize this.

Well I go back out on the road to work and call her Friday to make plans for the weekend. She wasn't receptive to the idea and said she had alot going on but would call me Saturday. I asked her if something was bothering her that she wanted to talk about and she said no nothing just don't feel good.

So Saturday comes and she calls we talk and still the distance so I ask again. This is where it goes south. She says "I don't think I can do the long distance relationship" So at this point I'm like "WHAT?" and she doesn't want to talk about it right now. So I said ok I'll call you tomorrow and we can talk. So I drive back home get there get a good nights rest and call her Sunday a.m say can we talk? She says I'll call you in a couple hours and we'll talk. I decide to drive up to her house and talk face to face as I could see the writing on the wall. I get there she's shocked asks me what I'm doing there. I said we need to talk. So she avoids me to the point I trap her in a room. Well I said lets talk(keep in mind she's never liked confrontation in the 13yrs I've known her) she says there's nothing to talk about I can't do the long distance relationship you don't want kids right now and I'm not sure I could ever move to where you live. So I ask her so are you saying its over? "YES its over" I'll go get your stuff. Well I had given her a cell phone to use to keep in touch so the long distance calls while I was working didn't rack up.

I took the other stuff, but left the cell phone for her.

Ok this is where I'm lost in what to do next. All my friends have said end it and move on you tried it again it didn't work out. I on the other hand I love her and want a life and family with her, but can't seem to figure out why the sudden change in attitude or feelings.

At this point I haven't been calling her sorta giving her some space, but I did write a letter and drop it in the mail explaining how I felt about the past 3 months we've been together and my feelings on marriage and children. Thats the last I've contacted her. This was sent on Tueday(9/11) I don't know if she's gotten it yet or read it. Oh one bit of info I forgot to mention is up until Tuesday I really didn't have any questions on her feelings well other than the fact she dumped me, but being I pay the phonebill I decided to go back and look at phone records. There have been several calls with a blocked # to her phone for the past 2 months for anywhere from 12-50 minutes and usually around 9 or 10pm. I'm not sure if its a friend that has a blocked # or someone that just doesn't want me to see the # calling. I never looked at the bills until Tuesday and now wish I wouldn't have looked at them at all as its creating doubt.


So where do I go from here. Oh I'll drop this little tid bit as well. I figured after 13yrs on and off, a engagement, and how well(I thought) things where going. I had bought a engagement ring and was planning on asking her to marry me again at the end of the month. Then BOOM I get dumped. I'm lost and don't know which direction to go.

Alot of people and things I've read have told me give her some space let her get the letter and read it if you don't hear from her in a couple weeks call her. I know nobody has the magic answer, but its always good to be able to get other peoples opinions that aren't directly affected or involved with it.

I love her and don't want to loose her, but I feel if I don't let her know I still love her she'll think I don't care or if I try to contact her I'll push her away.

Thanks for letting me type this its made me feel alot better to get it all out.

[Bud]

Dear Romantic Fool

If you are perplexed as to the reason of why she has broken up with you, you might be able to obtain this information from her sister/or one of her friends. Breaking up with someone is a pretty big deal and it's normally not a spur of the moment thing. It is normally a sequence of events that leads up to the final decision.

Whilst she may not have told somebody about breaking up with you outright, she might have voiced this idea to them over a number of conversations. I'm pretty sure that when you both gotten back together again that you would have been the topic of conversation with one of her friends if not her sister.

If it's her sister then this would be a good thing because from the sounds of things you both have a rapport with one another. She wouldn't have told you to go up and see her sister if she hated you. If her sister cannot recall any changes in her mood when she had spoken to her last then perhaps she could try to find out what the problem is for you if you ask her nicely?

My reasoning behind the cause of your breakup has I believe something to do with your job. I'm thinking that the absence factor in a truckies life is something that she is worried about and that if she were to raise children, that she would want someone who was there and supportive of her and her kids after 5pm and on the weekends.

She could believe that you might be set in your ways in regards to living where you are at and having the truckie business. Taking into account that she does not find the idea of relocating to your town/city very appealing, could be another reason why she has broken it up with you.

You have said that she is running on a biological clock and that she wants children. If that's the case and she doesn't or is not able to see a future with you then she would be inclined to dump you quick smart. If you really want to be with her then I'm guessing that part of the solution will have to involve painting a picture of your life together.

To show her a vision of the future that she can readily accept and be happy with. Before you speak to her next, think carefully of what you are willing to give up for her? Would you be flexible enough to relocate your business to where she is living and or even give it up if she does not want you to be away for prolonged periods of time? You have dumped this woman once just before her wedding. If you really want her then you might have to sacrifice something in return. Perhaps that is justice?

Good luck with it - Bud.

[Guest_Romantic Fool_*]

Bud thanks for the well written response. I tend to agree with you on most of what you said. Although I've since found out she's went back to her ex this weekend, so now I have to figure out how to play this out. I'm not sure absense makes the heart grow fonder in this scenerio.