Singles Dating Forum: Online Dating Relationships Advice: He's Been Intimate Before And I Haven't. Should I Be Concerned? - Singles Dating Forum: Online Dating Relationships Advice

I just started dating a new guy and things are good so far. We got to know each other through a particular group of friends.

There's only one thing I'm not sure how to handle: the fact that he has been intimate before (the relationship lasted a year) ... and I haven't. We're of the same religion and it's against our religion to be intimate out of wed`lock, but from what I know, he " made things right " and now attends one of the many church Universities here. Trust me, I'm able to look beyond that, especially if I end up falling in love with him, but I'm just a little concerned about the challenges we might face in the future because I'm sure he has his needs and don't really know to what extent it'll affect us.


One night, we were spending time together and started kissing. He didn't force me to do anything I didn't want to do, but I could tell he had experience because of the way he kissed me. Then when kissing became a little more intimate, I got scared and stopped. He stopped too and had the saddest look on his face like he thought he blew it. He carefully asked me if I was okay and if he did anything wrong and all I could say was, " I can't " ...

so he hugged me tight, kissed me on the cheek and said he was sorry. The rest of the night, he had his arm around me as we watched some tv shows and we talked and laughed about other things but for a little while after what had happened, he was still concerned about how I felt and kept asking me if I was okay.

Then when it got late, he told me he won't let me drive home because I live too far and might get into an accident ... so he told me to sleep in one of the bedrooms. I hesitated ... because I didn't want him to walk me there in case things might get out of hand, so I suggested he sleep in the room and I'll sleep on the couch. LOL! ... ... anyway, he refused to let me sleep on the couch and said that he won't go to sleep unless I sleep in the bedroom and that he would stay up till however long it takes to convince me. I didn't believe him and thought that he would surely fall asleep waiting for me to give up but more than an hour passed, and although he looked incredibly tired, he wouldn't give up.

So I felt really bad and said okay and he held my hand as he led me to the bedroom.

He told me that I should be able to sleep so peacfully then he kissed me one last time, waited till I got under the covers and started to fall asleep ... ran his fingers through my hair and then I heard him sneak back into the living room to go to bed.

The next morning, he woke me up @ 6am ... to make sure I had enough time to drive back home to get ready for work and I kissed him on the cheek and hugged him before I left. So everything's good so far but does anyone have some advice on my situation?

Hi brisies

I think you need to sit down and set some boundaries together. Explain your reservations about more personal physical contact and define at what point in the relationship you think certain intimacy should begin.

I have my levels defined as:

Dating - get to know the person to find out if they could be a suitable marriage partner.
Going Out - committtment to one person with the aim to find learn more details about their personality and find out if this is the person that I want to marry. There will be different levels of committment in this period as you engage in personal and emotional intimacy and the relationship develops.
Engagement - as you prepare for the marriage

I feel it is important to found a relationship on personal and emotional intimact before moving to the personal intimacy stage as it is easy to fall in love with the enjoyment of physical intimacy and allow it to cloud your mind when deciding if this is the person you want to marry.

Remember that there is a major difference between lust and love and you shouldn't get the two mixed up in your decisions about your partner. Lust can never be satisfied, there is always a sexier woman, a bigger house, a faster car or a better job and it is easy to lose your attraction to an object when your lust has been superseeded by a better object. Seperate lust from love in the relationship and introduce physical intimacy when you feel appropriate (I think the engagement stage is a good time).

Explain your reservations and set a point when you think you should progress to new levels of physical intimacy.

Joe,

sorry for such a late response! Your post and PM have helped me a great deal. I've been brought up to maintain high moral standards but sometimes I end up liking the person so much that I tend to " make exceptions." These exceptions are minor, but still, I know I shouldn't ever feel like I can't speak up.

This is what happened ...

I found out from my close friend, who happens to be like a blood sister to him, that he's torn between me and another girl. He couldn't make up his mind, so she told him to leave me alone because she loves me like a sister and doesn't want him to be juggling us around. He insisted on telling me himself, but because he was taking a bit long, she told him she's going to tell me already.

So she did ... and that was that. I moved on, because not only did he not have the courage to tell me, but he still tried to pursue afterwards.

----------------

Then someone else asked me out on a date last week, and this time, I wasn't about to make the same mistakes I did before. Your advice kept repeating in my head and I realized that, no matter what, I need to be straight forward about my boundaries. All we did was take a long walk and got to know each other better but then he reached out and held my hand.

I didn't feel right about it because it was a 1st date, so I stopped walking and asked him what his definition of " dating " is. I guess he realized he jumped the gun, so he slowly let go of my hand and explained that ... when he dates, if he likes the girl enough and the feeling is right, he'll hold her hand ... and maybe even kiss her.

But he asked me the same question and I told him that, when I date someone, there's no committment to that person. We go out as friends, spend time together, etc. without being " physical " (the things you would do when you're officially bf/gf). I could tell I caught him by surprise and he said sorry ... then told me he respects me and that he's perfectly fine with doing things my way.

Let me tell you, I was extremely proud of myself for saying those things, because the rest of the night, I could tell things were very different. There were moments when he'd just look at me with stars in his eyes. lol. He payed extra close attention to my feelings, and since that night, he called every day ... sometimes 2 or 3 times a day and still is.

He even asked for my e-mail that same night and writes to me every day too. And I know he still might not be right for me ... but it feels good to know that I made a stand and was able to do things the way I always intended to.

So thank you for giving me that extra " push " I needed to stand up for what's right. It's easier said than done, but I know I'm much happier with this " potential " relationship than I have been with most others in the past.

briseis

It's great to hear that you feel much more comfortable and confident in this relationship. Sometimes the guy will be nervous and unitentionally move too quickly, other times their intentions might be questionable.
Rather than lay down the law, I tell the other person that I'd prefer to go a little slower and then explain the boundaries in a deeper conversation when their not nervous.

Make the boundary setting conversation a mutual agreement to set the relationship on the right path.

Good morning, Joe.

I definitely agree with you on that. I just ... tend to go with my gut feeling, and on the 1st date, and even after a week, I felt like he was a little too anxious. One way or another, he would throw hints about doing things or going to places that could lead to a makeout session and I would politely suggest something more appropriate because I wanted us to go about doing things the right way.

I sort of ... tested the waters ... slowed things down a bit and waited to see whether or not he would still be patient and stick around.

but after I kept politely declining ... he stopped calling and e-mailing. Never heard from him for 2 days before I saw him holding hands with another girl. It was ok 'cause I told him I wanted to be friends and get to know him better instead of starting a relationship right away (like he suggested the 1st day we went out) ... And the minute he saw me, he jerked his hand away from her and tried to pretend like they were just " walking " together as friends

But I'm glad I wasn't physical with him in any way, and we did have some really good times, but I have yet to find my special someone